when your focus shifts

i love it when i feel something change in me. especially when it's a mental change. a shift in my thought process that makes me feel like i've changed for the better....and it's been happening more and more lately.

this causes two thoughts:
1.) praise God that He is stretching me to grow more and learn to show Jesus to more and more people
2.) man i feel dumb when i learn some stuff. like when i learn something i feel like i should've learned years ago. has that ever happened to you?

i just finished reading Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldridge which was recommended by a friend. it was a really great read. lately i've been becoming obsessed with the idea of pushing away all of  the "religious" junk the world loves to rave about and focusing on loving Jesus, showing Jesus, and trying to be more like Jesus. books like Beautiful Outlaw have been helping me move towards these goals.

as you may or may not know, my first triathlon is just NINE days out. luckily, i've been able to finally get in some open water swim sessions and feel a little more comfortable with the swim start. i haven't been able to get in the mileage i'd like to be getting on the bike, but i still feel comfortable with the 24 mile distance i'll need to cover. although i'm pretty worry-free about the run i'm still a little anxious to be doing the 5k after the swim and bike.

...and that's where my latest mental change comes in: the idea of allowing God to be a part of 100% of my life. literally....100%. not just a part of my job, my Church, my friends and family, my bad days and what i read. this is a big struggle i have been facing. it's easy for me to give God control of certain things in my life, but when it comes to things i feel like i may have better control over....or just don't trust anyone else with...it's mine and i'm in control. i keep reserving God's involvement for more "religious" moments, days when i'm in need, or when i need to help someone. the problem with that way of thinking is i'm leaving God out of big areas of my day to day life; such as training or my fitness in general. i'm leaving God out and it's just setting me up to fail. the irony here is that i don't like to fail. in fact...i despise failing. i don't even like to watch others fail! so why would i go about doing things that are just setting me up to fail!?!

one of my favorite Bible verses is Philippians 4:13 which says this, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." i feel like Paul was a runner. the endurance he possessed as he lived his life for God in EVERY way is inspiring. mainly because of the turnaround he had in his life (from saul to paul) and the fact he was just a regular dude living as much like Jesus as possible. what i learned/realized recently is that verse does not say "I can do 'a lot of things' through Him who gives me strength." it says 'EVERYTHING' and that to me is motivating and encouraging! that verse takes on a whole new meaning to me now that i am reading/comprehending it correctly. with that kind of strength available to me why would i chose to leave God out of any area of life?

here's an excerpt from Beautiful Outlaw:
    "By the way, this is the point of encountering those things in your life you cannot handle -- you are forced to turn to Christ. Did you really think you could be kind for the rest of your life without the inner help of Jesus? One day of kindness is a miracle. What about forgiving? Generous? Honest? Did you really think you could overcome your lifelong strongholds without some sort of Lazarus-like breakthrough? It simply isn't going to happen -- not without the life of Jesus in you.
    This realization was an epiphany for me.
    I have spent most of my adult years trying to find those keys that would enable people to become whole. Like an archaeologist raking for buried treasure, I've combed through the province of counseling, spiritual discipline, inner healing, deliverance, addiction recovery -- anything that would help me get others get better. Like Schliemann when his shovel struck the buried ruins of Troy, the epiphany I have come to is this:
    Jesus has no intention of letting you become whole apart from his moment-to-moment presence and life within you.
    Your brokenness and your sin are not something you overcome so that you can walk with God. They are the occasions for you to cry out for the life of God in you to rescue you. Not God outside you, up in the sky somewhere. Christ in you, your only hope of glory."
      

the longest blog post in the history of blog posts...and also my longest title to any of my blog posts ever.

Sucky Scenario 1:

young kid: what do you do for a living?
me: oh, i'm a musician.
young kid: no way! are you on the radio?
me: no, but i have a cd.
young kid: no way! is it at wal-mart?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

how long have i been saying i need to start playing more shows again? oh, right...a long time now. not to sound like a total conceited jerkface...but i'm just really tired of hearing music lately and thinking, "my music is way better...why am i not doing what i want with my music!?!" same reason you're not doing what you want to be doing (assuming you're like most people). it's freakin' difficult to do what you really want to do in life. why?

Sucky Scenario 2:

random person: what do you do for a living?
me: oh, i'm a manager at a lawncare company.
random person: that's cool. do you like it?
me: umm...yeah. it looks great on a resume. it's not ideally what i want to be doing though.
random person: well...what do you want to be doing?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

how many times will i continue to set myself up for people to ask me what i want to do with my life? the only consistent answer i give when asked this question: "i don't really know yet...all i know is i want to help people out" (way to keep it super general, tony.)

here's the deal:
someone needs to tell me what to do with my life!

in all honesty and realness...i know i'm currently doing what God is calling me to do; however, i also know that He is calling me to do more. a lot more. that's all i got. that's the only little insight/direction He's hooking me up with so far. tricky, huh!? so, now combine that with a wife who is pretty much going through the same thing and what do you have...actually, probably a pretty typical Jesus-following married couple. sometimes it feels like i should just know everything i want to know. you know? i know. it's like this in my head: "hmmm....i don't know the answer to this question i'm asking myself...well...i think i should know the answer", so when i don't i get upset. am i completely insane or just partially?

i'm understanding (will never completely understand) how God works and it's hard sometimes to be okay with His process of doing things. ya know...'doing things' meaning: saving the WORLD! anyway...i'm good at letting myself get in the way and slow that process down sometimes. most often it's me demanding some sort of answer and/or direction in my life.

Sucky Scenario 3:

emily: we have way too much.
me: yeah, i know. we suck.
emily: seriously, we have way too much. why?
me: don't know. i want to give it all away and do more.
emily: well where's the balance? how can we live happy, but not feel like we have too much?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

i'm going to be real honest here by letting you know a little something about me. i'm sort of an emotional dude. i'm very connected with my inner-feelings. i cry and i'm proud of it. i cry every now and then and a lot of times it's annoying. the other day i was reading an email that was forwarded on to me from someone from my Church. it included some pictures and updates on the recent devastation that happened in the Mitumba slums in Kenya. before then i was refusing to look at the pictures knowing how i'd take it. well...it was worse than expected. i had just sat down to eat my dinner before rushing out the door for whatever. first picture...bawling. tears were literally falling into my dinner. thoughts started racing through my head. "why would something like this happen?!" "why should this happen to them!?" "why did this not happen to me!?" and worse yet, "why do i feel so safe in saying that something like this won't happen to me!?" it made me sick.

typical american way of thinking: i have questions and i demand them to be answered now.

i really don't want to make this a classic 'life sucks, but..." post where i complain about life being hard and then wrap it up with a, "...but it's all good...i still have my health! winky face" it's just tough not having all of the big picture God is trying to show me. i know there's a big picture. i can see the frame and i can make out a few of the colors. other than that i just feel like a little kid standing in front of a candy store. no idea exactly where to look, but i know it all looks good and i want it all. now.

p.s. congratulations on reading (or skimming all the way to the bottom) through the entire post! you're now a record holder in my book for reading my longest post ever! i promise that my next post will be short and sweetly sweet!

p.p.s. seriously...thanks for reading.

seriously serious

i've been watching/listening to a lot of steven furtick sermons lately and i'm not gonna lie...they're really good. do me a favor here, okay? if you normally close out my blog now once you see i'm posting about something religious or whatever...don't! do me one favor and read on. cool? cool!

i'll be real honest here...i have been having a terrible week. now, when i say "terrible" i don't mean bad things are happening or anything. i mean things just stink! i've been making dumb choices that make life harder than it should be. i haven't been trusting that God really knows what He's talking about. i've been staying up too late. i haven't been praying enough or reading my Bible enough. basically...i haven't been doing a good job at being the Godly person i want to be. guess what? i'm human. this happens to me all the time. for some reason i'm reacting a little differently this week than normal. i'm putting more pressure on myself to be a "game-changer" (meaning: world changer) and i think that is what's making my week bad. so, my week being bad is basically because i'm not doing enough for the Kingdom. hmmm....so are my weeks every really good?

one good thing this week? scripture!! passages like Psalm 37:23-24 say, "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fail for the Lord holds them by the hand." scripture like this keeps me motivated even after a bad day where i completely suck! question: why do i not get into the Word more? answer: because i am a stubborn human who thinks he can do life himself...but can't! it's not like it's rocket science! i can't have a good day by myself! James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

my point: although scripture tells us that "every good and perfict gift is from above," we're not guaranteed a good life, ya know? while the good days i have (which are many) are gifts from God...it's a possibility that my life might not ever be good ever again! ultimately, i'm not guaranteed a "good" life. what am i guaranteed, you ask? nothing. my only goal in life is to glorify God. sounds simple, right? yeah...it does. easy? not really.

911 for love

i remember most of the day. some parts are a little fuzzy...others i remember like they were yesterday. i remember sitting in my classes at school with a tv set to a news stations, watching and listening. it was silent all day as we all walked to our classes. in and out of rooms with a tv on various news stations. i got home from school that day and i remember going straight into the living room where the windows were open and the wind was blowing the curtains around. the weather that day was gorgeous. sunny blue skies in my personal world. i turned on cnn and cried. it breaks my heart to think about the people who were more personally impacted by all that happened that day. the people who lost family, friends, loved ones. to relive it year after year i am sure doesn't get any easier. i pray for everyone impacted in whatever way.

it's hard to talk about forgiveness in situations like what happened on september 11th ten years ago. i recently heard a sermon by james macdonald on the radio on forgiveness and it was really convicting. he referred to Ephesians 4 and how it talks about being kind and compassionate to others, and forgiving them just like God forgives us. in Proverbs it talks about how we're not to pay back someone for the wrong they have done to us and in Leviticus it says for us to forgive, do not hold grudges, and to love your neighbor as yourself. i remember being a kid and thinking that the term 'neighbor' was literal. "oh, all i have to do is love my neighbor as myself? that's easy...i love mr. and mrs. ringger...they're like my grandparents!" then i got older and learned...."oh, neighbor....like, everyone in the world? well that's harder..."

first and foremost, i do not want to sound like i'm taking sides with anyone ever (especially in a situation where people have lost loved ones). all i want is to share the conviction i have been feeling lately...and it is to forgive, even though forgiveness is hard. like, really hard! i'd like to say i could forgive anyone for anything. could i? i pray i can.

when emily and i lived down by st. louis we lived about ten miles from a church where the pastor was gunned down during a service. i remember about a week after that tragedy hearing the amazing story of forgiveness when the pastor's wife was talking about praying for the gunman and forgiving him. i saw on the news a couple months ago a lady who's son was shot and how she ended up helping the gunman get out of jail and now lives next door to her...and she is like a mom to him. these are a couple of stories that i can think of off the top of my head. of course there are a ton more like this.

the fact that these are people like you and me is encouraging, right? the fact that it takes normal people doing radical things to get my attention is sad. why can't loving others and forgiving others be normal? more importantly...it always comes back to love. love for everyone. loving everyone like you love yourself. treating others (everyone on the planet) like you treat yourself. what if the world looked like this? can you imagine? i can. i want it to be that way. all cheesy quotes and sayings about changing the world aside...it's not impossible to love other people!

the following is an excerpt from shane claiborne's book Irresistible Revolution. i found this book really interesting, his words are something i am still processing. you may also find it interesting...or it might anger you. either way...my intentions are not to upset anyone. i just want to share with you my conviction to forgive even when i am irreversibly wronged and my desire to love even though it seems hard.

"I saw a banner hanging next to city hall in downtown Philadelphia that read, "Kill them all, and let God sort them out." A bumper sticker read, "God will judge evildoers; we just have to get them to him." I saw a T-shirt on a soldier that said, "US Air Force... we don't die; we just go to hell to regroup." Others were less dramatic- red, white, and blue billboards saying, "God bless our troops." "God Bless America" became a marketing strategy. One store hung an ad in their window that said, "God bless America--$1 burgers." Patriotism was everywhere, including in our altars and church buildings. In the aftermath of September 11th, most Christian bookstores had a section with books on the event, calendars, devotionals, buttons, all decorated in the colors of America, draped in stars and stripes, and sprinkled with golden eagles.
This burst of nationalism reveals the deep longing we all have for community, a natural thirst for intimacy... September 11th shattered the self-sufficient, autonomous individual, and we saw a country of broken fragile people who longed for community- for people to cry with, be angry with, to suffer with. People did not want to be alone in their sorrow, rage, and fear.

...The tragedy of the church's reaction to September 11th is not that we rallied around the families in New York and D.C. but that our love simply reflected the borders and allegiances of the world. We mourned the deaths of each soldier, as we should, but we did not feel the same anger and pain for each Iraqi death, or for the folks abused in the Abu Ghraib prison incident. We got farther and farther from Jesus' vision, which extends beyond our rational love and the boundaries we have established. There is no doubt that we must mourn those lives on September 11th. We must mourn the lives of the soldiers. But with the same passion and outrage, we must mourn the lives of every Iraqi who is lost. They are just as precious, no more, no less. In our rebirth, every life lost in Iraq is just as tragic as a life lost in New York or D.C. And the lives of the thirty thousand children who die of starvation each day is like six September 11ths every single day, a silent tsunami that happens every week."

- Shane Claiborne Irresistible Revolution

radical.

radical as a noun is defined as this:  "a person who holds or follows strong convictions or extreme principles; extremist."

welp, i want to be a radical dude...an extremist if you will. i want to be an extremist for love. now, before you shut me out and call me a hippy please hear me out...well, read me out? whatever. i'll be honest...i don't like the rolling stones or the song "american pie" and i am not a fan of the dallas cowboys, but i am still an american, right? more importantly...i'm a child of GOD! oh, did i mention we are ALL children of GOD? so, that doesn't really say much for me. i guess that's a good thing...because i am nothing. i don't want to come across as depressed or anything like that. i assure you i am a mostly happy person (is anyone truly one hundred percent happy) in the world we live in. i say i'm nothing because i am. honestly, everyone is nothing. there's not one person i know that is a true somebody...because there's only ONE of those, ya know?

are you picking up what i'm putting down? maybe i'm being a little vague here i guess. call me a coward or one who wants to encourage you to think. either way...i'm calling you out (including myself).

we are called to do things. i'm not talking chores when you were a kid or lame stuff your boss is demanding  requesting at work. i'm talking "Things" in quotes with a capital 'T' and maybe even bold and underlined and in a larger font! i honestly wish it were as simple as "dude, i'm just gonna love everyone like a brother or sister and be really "nice" to everyone in between and i'll "make it"..." but it DOES NOT work that way. sorry, chuck...but it doesn't (if your name is chuck this is not directed at you...i don't know anyone named chuck).

i'm just tired of reading books and listening to people speak about what we gotta do, ya know!? am i the only one who gets tired of hearing what you SHOULD be doing, or what you COULD be doing better!? i doubt it! so let's step up and start changing the way we live! guess what it'll do...besides change the world? i'll give you one other guess...it'll change your life! seriously...who is ready for a little change!!?!? count me in, friend!

taking the REAL plunge

it's the lame thing to say to a guy/gal who's getting married...."taking the plunge." sorry if you're a fan of saying that to people. not really though. but a little. mostly not.

emily and i had been talking quite a bit about being baptized. we were both sprinkled as infants, but being fully immersed was something we both felt God was laying on our hearts for the past several months. it was tough to think about, sometimes to talk about, since baptism in a Biblical sense is such a debatable topic. some think sprinkling is fine, others say full immersion is the way to go. fortunately for us (ALL humans), getting baptized doesn't get you into Heaven...so i guess technically it doesn't matter? well...it kind of does. for me personally, taking that step to be fully immersed wasn't my way of correcting the way i was sprinkled as an infant. it was simply my way of taking another step, or making more of a commitment to God. also...strictly my OWN opinion, while understanding that everyone has one, i do feel that when the Bible talks about baptisms...i feel it's referring to full immersion. my father-in-law said a cool thing once when we were talking about it. he said that the best way to deal with such debatable topics in the Bible...it's best just to give grace. basically, some people are going to think i'm wrong for saying the Bible means full immersion, and others are going to say they agree with me...but being baptized is NOT what gets you into Heaven. thank God it's not.

another cool way to look at it: in majority of cases, when a couple gets married...they exchange wedding rings. the day after the wedding ceremony, if they walk outside together and one of them has their ring on and the other doesn't...they are STILL married. because of the words they exchanged, because of the commitment they made to each other. and that, my friends....is what it's all about! committing your life to the Lord and accepting that Jesus Christ died for you, so that you can have a gift of eternal life. that's what it comes down to. not if you were sprinkled as an infant...or fully immersed. not if you pray 132 times a day. not if you haven't missed a church service since 1974. not if you wear a w.w.j.d. bracelet. not if you donate thousands of dollars to missionaries. not because you tell people that Jesus loves them. not because you read your Bible every single day and can spew out Bible verse after Bible verse that you've been memorizing since VBS back in 1988. don't get me wrong...all of those things are great, but i fear that some people miss the mark on what being a Christian is really about. it's about JESUS, loving HIM, trying to live like HIM, and loving EVERYONE else along the way.

another really awesome thing that went hand in hand with this experience. besides the fact that emily was baptized too...both of my parents actually decided to be baptized as well. they were both sprinkled previously, but when emily and i mentioned that we were going to be doing this...they felt called to "take the plunge" as well. so, in front of our family and some awesome friends of ours, Pastor Mike Baker from Eastview Christian Church did the baptism for all four of us and it was completely awesome!

every little thing gonna be alright

have you ever had a day start out alright...and then end awful? maybe something happened. maybe nothing happened. you just get in a funk? i'm there, man. out of left field today...i realized i was in a horrible mood. i figured my blog should be totally honest and not just include posts from "happy, optimistic tony," but also include a post or two from "today sucks, lets move on tony." the goal here is not to bring you down, but to somehow lift you up and possibly help you feel better about your day. quick warning...this could very easily flop and just upset everyone who reads it (good thing only four people read it.)

Alright, lets do this...short and simple, so i can go watch hawaii five-0. did i mention i suck when i'm in a bad mood.


6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philipians 4:6-7 NLT

seriously? don't worry about anything? yeah...sure...no problem. that part alone makes me worry. pray about everything? easy enough...except when you're like me and have "prayer-a.d.d." and find yourself making your way back to God after realizing you stopped praying minutes/hours ago without even finishing your thought. now, telling God what i need...i am good at that (except most of them are probably wants). thanking Him for all He has done...i'm working on that. i've heard before to start praying with all you're thankful for and don't ask for anything until the end of the prayer...you'll begin to realize you might not need that much and start to realize how much you are thankful for. God's peace...yeah i want that, especially if it guards my heart and mind. this scripture hit me tonight. it's like i realized tonight that God knows i mess up. like i was somehow able to hide it before...or sneak by under the radar. how could i make God so small?

that scripture above is something i wish i read every morning. then why don't i? no excuse to give...just an overall bad decision.

the good news (finally!) is that God is forgiving and ALWAYS there!

10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 NLT

grace and gratitude

first off...i am not a preacher. believe it or not...i'm not saying i am or pretending to be. recently, i heard a really cool definition of christianity: one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread. this pretty much rocked my world when i heard it. it's so...simple? too simple? probably. actually...yes, it is.

i guess i need to mention that i am a Christian. now, before you bail on this blog screaming "Bible thumper," please hear me out. when i say that i am a Christian...i mean i follow Jesus Christ and believe that He died on a cross for me (and you), so that i (and you) can have the amazing gift of eternal life (if we accept it.) i'm not really one to cram the Bible down people's throats, or take Bible tracts to wal-mart and leave them next to the toilet to give someone that's going to hell a good read while they try not to think of the fact that they're sitting on a wal-mart toilet (it's awful, right? i know.) anyway, up until just recently (it's embarassing actually) i was stuck in some idea that flowed through my mind/heart that said that it was enough for me to accept Christ and just live life "the way i'm suppose to" and everything will be cool in the long run (meaning: i'll get into heaven and someday i'd be able to go out for an easy three with Jesus.)

my wife (emily) and i are reading an amazing book called "radical" by a pastor named david platt. in a nutshell...he basically calls us all out on making the Gospel into what we want it to be. it's about taking it back to the basics...the way the Bible is meant to be. it's all about challenging us to feel/hear/speak/want the Gospel according to Jesus. so, one could imagine after diving into this book i've been wanting to be a bit more "radical" with my spirituality. i know it's cheesy, but i believe this book is really awesome!

yesterday in a sermon the pastor was preaching on gratitude. i mean, come one, the first verse he opened with was Ephesians 5:20 which says, "and give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." are you guessing which word was underlined? it wasn't 'thanks'...it was actually the word 'everything.' easier said than done, right? being thankful for everything? the good and the bad? i thought the bad was from the devil...why would i want to thank that jerk?

the final little thing the pastor told us to write down sealed the deal for me. he said, "when grace flows in, gratitude fills up, and generosity flows out." this right here sums it all up. for me anyway, it means, Jesus dying on a cross for me was a true depiction of grace, then if i work on my gratitude filling up, more generosity will flow out of me. if i "think about my thanks" then i start to gain a new perspective on life...one filled with gratitude for everything...not just the things i think i should be grateful for. see how it's starting to connect with the book emily and i reading? yeah...crazy stuff!

the challenge for me is to be consistent with my gratitude so that it continues to fill up so much i am overflowing with generosity...which will hopefully bring people to Christ. sure, yesterday and most of today it was easy for me to be grateful...but what's going to happen on thursday when i'm tired and have forgotten some of the sermon? am i going to let my perspective change back? i pray that it won't.

"this is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
-Psalm 118:24 (niv)