the longest blog post in the history of blog posts...and also my longest title to any of my blog posts ever.

Sucky Scenario 1:

young kid: what do you do for a living?
me: oh, i'm a musician.
young kid: no way! are you on the radio?
me: no, but i have a cd.
young kid: no way! is it at wal-mart?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

how long have i been saying i need to start playing more shows again? oh, right...a long time now. not to sound like a total conceited jerkface...but i'm just really tired of hearing music lately and thinking, "my music is way better...why am i not doing what i want with my music!?!" same reason you're not doing what you want to be doing (assuming you're like most people). it's freakin' difficult to do what you really want to do in life. why?

Sucky Scenario 2:

random person: what do you do for a living?
me: oh, i'm a manager at a lawncare company.
random person: that's cool. do you like it?
me: umm...yeah. it looks great on a resume. it's not ideally what i want to be doing though.
random person: well...what do you want to be doing?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

how many times will i continue to set myself up for people to ask me what i want to do with my life? the only consistent answer i give when asked this question: "i don't really know yet...all i know is i want to help people out" (way to keep it super general, tony.)

here's the deal:
someone needs to tell me what to do with my life!

in all honesty and realness...i know i'm currently doing what God is calling me to do; however, i also know that He is calling me to do more. a lot more. that's all i got. that's the only little insight/direction He's hooking me up with so far. tricky, huh!? so, now combine that with a wife who is pretty much going through the same thing and what do you have...actually, probably a pretty typical Jesus-following married couple. sometimes it feels like i should just know everything i want to know. you know? i know. it's like this in my head: "hmmm....i don't know the answer to this question i'm asking myself...well...i think i should know the answer", so when i don't i get upset. am i completely insane or just partially?

i'm understanding (will never completely understand) how God works and it's hard sometimes to be okay with His process of doing things. ya know...'doing things' meaning: saving the WORLD! anyway...i'm good at letting myself get in the way and slow that process down sometimes. most often it's me demanding some sort of answer and/or direction in my life.

Sucky Scenario 3:

emily: we have way too much.
me: yeah, i know. we suck.
emily: seriously, we have way too much. why?
me: don't know. i want to give it all away and do more.
emily: well where's the balance? how can we live happy, but not feel like we have too much?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

i'm going to be real honest here by letting you know a little something about me. i'm sort of an emotional dude. i'm very connected with my inner-feelings. i cry and i'm proud of it. i cry every now and then and a lot of times it's annoying. the other day i was reading an email that was forwarded on to me from someone from my Church. it included some pictures and updates on the recent devastation that happened in the Mitumba slums in Kenya. before then i was refusing to look at the pictures knowing how i'd take it. well...it was worse than expected. i had just sat down to eat my dinner before rushing out the door for whatever. first picture...bawling. tears were literally falling into my dinner. thoughts started racing through my head. "why would something like this happen?!" "why should this happen to them!?" "why did this not happen to me!?" and worse yet, "why do i feel so safe in saying that something like this won't happen to me!?" it made me sick.

typical american way of thinking: i have questions and i demand them to be answered now.

i really don't want to make this a classic 'life sucks, but..." post where i complain about life being hard and then wrap it up with a, "...but it's all good...i still have my health! winky face" it's just tough not having all of the big picture God is trying to show me. i know there's a big picture. i can see the frame and i can make out a few of the colors. other than that i just feel like a little kid standing in front of a candy store. no idea exactly where to look, but i know it all looks good and i want it all. now.

p.s. congratulations on reading (or skimming all the way to the bottom) through the entire post! you're now a record holder in my book for reading my longest post ever! i promise that my next post will be short and sweetly sweet!

p.p.s. seriously...thanks for reading.

ok...what now?

warning: this post involves running and i might mention Jesus (just to warn people who don't like to hear/read about those things...which i think is sad, but that's just my opinion.)

anyway...the 1/2 marathon is done. praise Jesus! hey look...i just mentioned the two things i warned you about in the first two sentences. ironic. seriously though...the 1/2 was hard. i guess it was as hard as i expected it to be though. after all...i ran 13.1 miles in 1:53:54 (i'm going to try not to feel like i'm bragging about that. it's also quite humbling to know that the dude who won this race did it in a little over an hour.) but in a nutshell, the race went well.

the wait before a race always sucks. i get antsy and i just want to RUN! but finally we got going and i was feeling pretty good, keeping a good pace throughout the run until about mile 9. during my training, when i ran the 13.1 miles, this was about the exact same spot where i started feeling 'it' ('it', for me, is when your mind gets a second wind and catches your body off-guard and begins to convince you to stop running.) now, i took water at mile 7, so i figured i wasn't dehydrated and was just being a baby. well, 9 going into 10 finally went by and then came 11. stupid mile 11. that's when i started feeling the hills and the humidity (along with 'it' of course.) i took some more water around this time and then went into a hill...and then it happened...i was walking. i was so mad at myself. i told myself before the race that i would not walk. i distinctly remember telling myself that i would NOT walk...it was right after i said i was going to overdo it (hmmm? i know...it was foolish). you don't go to a 1/2 marathon (or any road race for that matter) to walk. unfortunately, this race, i did. i took a couple of 10 second walk breaks and then got going again. i finally made it over the last big hill and saw the crowd by the finish line. the best part was at the end of the route we finished around the track at the high school. it felt kind of cool running around the track and to finish in front of a crowd. i ran the track as hard as i could and finished strong. although i was frustrated for a few hours after the race about walking, i told myself that these things happen...plus i even beat my goal by over a minute, so i technically had NOTHING to complain about. but sometimes i'm a complainer. it was also a pride thing...i'll be honest. but to every problem there is a solution, right? isn't there? well, my solution was/is to train myself better so i can pace myself so that i'll never walk again during a race. my dad has this little saying he likes that i've grown quite fond of as well, "i hate to run, but i love to finish." that sums it up for me.

"suffering is optional."

i got that quote from a book i just got done reading, "what i talk about when i talk about running" by haruki murakami. he's run over 24 marathons, a bunch of triathlons, and even dabbled in the ultramarathon area. the dude is a runner to look up to, enough said. in his book he talks about his life as a runner and also a novelist. it's really interesting to me to learn about other people's lives. in a "non-creeper, i'm-truly-interested-in-how-you-live" type of way of course. the biggest thing, and i think the best thing, i learned from his book was this: sometimes you have bad experiences while running. he told quite a few stories about a marathon, or a triathlon, that went horribly wrong but he still learned something from it. i'm the type of guy that struggles when something happens that i felt like i could've controlled. does that make any sense? if i could've done something different to prevent _____ from happening, then why didn't i? that's the type of question i dwell on after i finish my first 1/2 marathon wondering why i had to walk that little bit. well, add this to the "things i've learned so far" list: "Reaching the finish line, never walking, and enjoying the race. These three, in this order, are my goals."

"segway"

basically, i loved that Murakami said these three goals he has in his book, and it stood out to me. of course when i first read it i applied it to future races i'll be running, but sometimes i like to think a little cheesier and more cliche and applied it to life in general (which is a great mxpx album.) the finish line being my ultimate goal(s) in life...definitely not easy to get to, but ALL possible if i stick with it and keep one foot moving in front of the other. never walking...i learned my lesson on this one. it has an affect on your mind...once you slow down and lose momentum it makes the rest of the "race" even more difficult. the last thing he says is to enjoy the race. for me personally...i might put this at the number one spot. enjoy life...enjoy what you do. anything and everything...enjoy it! why not? you're not here forever. and your loved ones aren't here forever either. "don't get caught in the season of life you're in now...seasons change." i heard that on the radio earlier today. i'm beginning to think the meaning of this post is to overload you (the reader) with cheesiness and lack of orginality. i think my "segway" segway was pretty original though...

oh, and i almost forgot. the title of this post is actually the point of this whole, long, random group of words i call writing. my next goal is of course...a full marathon. i'm going to do it. it's just a matter of when. it reminds me of that question on job applications that reads: "Are you the type of person who looks for more work, without being told what to do, after you complete the task you're working on?"

"one final thought" (you have to say that like andy rooney from 60 minutes..that guy is a nut) my cool dad and hot wife (i'm good at thinking of adjectives) also ran this 1/2 marathon and rocked it to an 11! high 5's to them as well.