the longest blog post in the history of blog posts...and also my longest title to any of my blog posts ever.

Sucky Scenario 1:

young kid: what do you do for a living?
me: oh, i'm a musician.
young kid: no way! are you on the radio?
me: no, but i have a cd.
young kid: no way! is it at wal-mart?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

how long have i been saying i need to start playing more shows again? oh, right...a long time now. not to sound like a total conceited jerkface...but i'm just really tired of hearing music lately and thinking, "my music is way better...why am i not doing what i want with my music!?!" same reason you're not doing what you want to be doing (assuming you're like most people). it's freakin' difficult to do what you really want to do in life. why?

Sucky Scenario 2:

random person: what do you do for a living?
me: oh, i'm a manager at a lawncare company.
random person: that's cool. do you like it?
me: umm...yeah. it looks great on a resume. it's not ideally what i want to be doing though.
random person: well...what do you want to be doing?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

how many times will i continue to set myself up for people to ask me what i want to do with my life? the only consistent answer i give when asked this question: "i don't really know yet...all i know is i want to help people out" (way to keep it super general, tony.)

here's the deal:
someone needs to tell me what to do with my life!

in all honesty and realness...i know i'm currently doing what God is calling me to do; however, i also know that He is calling me to do more. a lot more. that's all i got. that's the only little insight/direction He's hooking me up with so far. tricky, huh!? so, now combine that with a wife who is pretty much going through the same thing and what do you have...actually, probably a pretty typical Jesus-following married couple. sometimes it feels like i should just know everything i want to know. you know? i know. it's like this in my head: "hmmm....i don't know the answer to this question i'm asking myself...well...i think i should know the answer", so when i don't i get upset. am i completely insane or just partially?

i'm understanding (will never completely understand) how God works and it's hard sometimes to be okay with His process of doing things. ya know...'doing things' meaning: saving the WORLD! anyway...i'm good at letting myself get in the way and slow that process down sometimes. most often it's me demanding some sort of answer and/or direction in my life.

Sucky Scenario 3:

emily: we have way too much.
me: yeah, i know. we suck.
emily: seriously, we have way too much. why?
me: don't know. i want to give it all away and do more.
emily: well where's the balance? how can we live happy, but not feel like we have too much?
me: *long melodramatic sigh*

i'm going to be real honest here by letting you know a little something about me. i'm sort of an emotional dude. i'm very connected with my inner-feelings. i cry and i'm proud of it. i cry every now and then and a lot of times it's annoying. the other day i was reading an email that was forwarded on to me from someone from my Church. it included some pictures and updates on the recent devastation that happened in the Mitumba slums in Kenya. before then i was refusing to look at the pictures knowing how i'd take it. was worse than expected. i had just sat down to eat my dinner before rushing out the door for whatever. first picture...bawling. tears were literally falling into my dinner. thoughts started racing through my head. "why would something like this happen?!" "why should this happen to them!?" "why did this not happen to me!?" and worse yet, "why do i feel so safe in saying that something like this won't happen to me!?" it made me sick.

typical american way of thinking: i have questions and i demand them to be answered now.

i really don't want to make this a classic 'life sucks, but..." post where i complain about life being hard and then wrap it up with a, "...but it's all good...i still have my health! winky face" it's just tough not having all of the big picture God is trying to show me. i know there's a big picture. i can see the frame and i can make out a few of the colors. other than that i just feel like a little kid standing in front of a candy store. no idea exactly where to look, but i know it all looks good and i want it all. now.

p.s. congratulations on reading (or skimming all the way to the bottom) through the entire post! you're now a record holder in my book for reading my longest post ever! i promise that my next post will be short and sweetly sweet!

p.p.s. seriously...thanks for reading.